this is such a robocoded episode.

• "Why do you want so bad not to be human, House?"
• It features an actual robot!
• House doing some sort of maths...
• and violence...
• as a consequence of being brainwashed.

@1 this was immediately my first thought about the episode and im so happy im not alone. the series is filled with nonhuman gender moments like this one

starting to wonder if i just dont think sex is that good or if i just like other stuff a whole hell of a lot

maybe a weird thing but the feeling of listening to the right thing at the right time creates a euphoria that’s comparable to sex for me lmao

i can’t listen to podcasts or watch videos because most of the time i want to be listening to music. like, i have turned down sex on multiple occasions to go to a concert or because a new album released

whenever i see my doctor, he’ll often preface something he’s about to say with “so you’ve been on HRT for a while…” but it always hits me weird. like, is this where i’m at forever now? do i need to double down on other stuff to make me happier with my appearance? like yeah okay i can pass to a bunch of people on a train or in a grocery store which is nice but im not worried too much about them and im really not even worried about passing? i dont like the idea of passing but i wont even get into that. i just feel like, as usual, i’m late, confused, and perpetually disconnected such that i’ll never fully grasp what others seem to intuit after a while

“yeah ok rowan that just means you’re in good company on this side of fedi” yeah i know it’s just like got damb, it’s not fair. i don’t want to be filled with shame and regret my whole life even after transition because it feels like it’s never good enough. i want what others have, where they can look in the mirror and feel good about it. where they can take selfies and feel empowered by looking how they feel. i feel like such a pretender and like everything i do is putting on the façade of the persona i’ve crafted for myself.

i still really don’t like my body though, its current form feels like a prison. i often find myself fantasizing about surgical procedures that could do things that would almost surely kill me if they were actually attempted with modern technology; reshaping and repositioning bones and muscle, adding and removing length and width to various places, etc. a lot of times i find myself wishing i could just start replacing parts wholesale with prostheses and become a modern ship of theseus but like really hot and kinda scary

@dawn that would make sense! i wondered if it could be some JIT shenanigans too but it’s really wild to see absolutely no performance difference. it really highlights that whole “profile first, dont prematurely optimize” adage

sometimes i wish i were able to pull off the high femme cutesy girl aesthetic but then i remember i would miss being genderfucked

maybe the weird thing about this is that i thought that “oh yeah i can just overwrite the method at runtime” was a good idea

javascript optimizations are always super weird to me and i end up profiling bizarre things

today, i wanted to be able to provide default implementations to either plain javascript objects or ES6 class instances, so i had something like this

class DefaultImpl {
  constructor(methods) {
    if(!isPlainObject(methods)) {
      return methods
    }
    
    this.methods = methods
  }

  aMethod() {
    return this.methods.aMethod?.() ?? someDefaultImpl()
  }
}

and my first thought was, “i wonder if i can overwrite aMethod when its called with either the default or given implementations to avoid the null coalescing check?

// ...
  aMethod() {
    if(this.methods.aMethod != null) {
      this.aMethod = this.methods.aMethod
      return this.methods.aMethod()
    } else {
      this.aMethod = someDefaultImpl
      return someDefaultImpl()
    }
   }
}

the performance results for both approaches were identical on v8, spidermonkey, and JSC. i’m assuming this is because the shape of a prototype is highly optimized and the one that overwrites the function violates the browsers expectations and suffers a performance penalty while the other one doesn’t? and if that’s the case, maybe the null coalesce vs the prototype change ends up being a wash. or maybe branch prediction on the null coalesce makes the performance hit basically nonexistent? i’m not sure yet