sometimes i wish i were able to pull off the high femme cutesy girl aesthetic but then i remember i would miss being genderfucked

i still really don’t like my body though, its current form feels like a prison. i often find myself fantasizing about surgical procedures that could do things that would almost surely kill me if they were actually attempted with modern technology; reshaping and repositioning bones and muscle, adding and removing length and width to various places, etc. a lot of times i find myself wishing i could just start replacing parts wholesale with prostheses and become a modern ship of theseus but like really hot and kinda scary

“yeah ok rowan that just means you’re in good company on this side of fedi” yeah i know it’s just like got damb, it’s not fair. i don’t want to be filled with shame and regret my whole life even after transition because it feels like it’s never good enough. i want what others have, where they can look in the mirror and feel good about it. where they can take selfies and feel empowered by looking how they feel. i feel like such a pretender and like everything i do is putting on the façade of the persona i’ve crafted for myself.

whenever i see my doctor, he’ll often preface something he’s about to say with “so you’ve been on HRT for a while…” but it always hits me weird. like, is this where i’m at forever now? do i need to double down on other stuff to make me happier with my appearance? like yeah okay i can pass to a bunch of people on a train or in a grocery store which is nice but im not worried too much about them and im really not even worried about passing? i dont like the idea of passing but i wont even get into that. i just feel like, as usual, i’m late, confused, and perpetually disconnected such that i’ll never fully grasp what others seem to intuit after a while

@rowan I think it is cool that you are trying to craft yourself into the person you want to be. That isn't being a pretender. And there is nothing wrong with trying out different looks/styles/vibes and figuring out what resonates, and I can understand you wishing that you could do the same with your body too. I think you will get there, but meanwhile, hugs if you want them 💜

@rowan this one's sorry you're feeling bad about where you are (though it can certainly relate). and while yeah, some of the specific stuff you mentioned above is probably sadly not something that can be done anytime soon, it does want to say that for

"like, is this where i’m at forever now?"

the answer is probably not? like it always heard that it was conventional wisdom that after two years of hrt, you'll have gotten all of the physical changes that you're gonna get. and admittedly, this one would say that it doesn't feel like it's had significant physical changes since that point. but it doesn't think that's universal (plus there was that like 6 month period where it was without hrt, and who knows exactly how such interruptions affect things). just like with "regular" puberty, the full effects can take many years to come about. if this one recalls correctly, you haven't even hit two years, but either way this one thinks you can still probably expect more changes, and it hopes that even if they won't be able to accomplish those ultimate desires, they will still bring you some additional comfort

@rowan i wish i had anything to add or anything reassuring to say other than "my god what a huge mood," but honestly this is exactly how i feel as well

@rowan *bri’ish accent* ahl geev yew a roight propah jendahfacken, ai weaw!

(but seriously you’re very hot the way you are, and I think you’d be hot as a high femme too 💕)