i’ve lately been grappling with the fact that my relationship to sex (and often romance in general) is one of “it is something that is done to me.” i am often not comfortable initiating romance or sex and much prefer when someone else takes the lead. this is distinct from dom/sub or top/bottom or whatever other binary dynamic is often used in place of something more nuanced. i can participate in any of those other roles (dominant, submissive, top, bottom, whatever i hate these terms) but i am not an initiator. i’ve approached only one individual for a romantic relationship first in the past 10 years; every other time i am approached first. i don’t remember the last time i was the one to initiate sex (though i will absolutely indicate my interest when asked).

i don’t like this quality about myself. at first my suspicion was that i was too afraid of rejection to initiate, but i don’t think that’s the case. although i do deal with rejection poorly sometimes, i am often okay letting myself be open to rejected if it means that i can achieve some type of clarity or closure. i think that it’s a response to past abuse and a need to protect myself from being too vulnerable or attached. i also don’t trust myself or my own judgement - but unfortunately this puts me in an unsafe position of trusting the initiator’s judgement over my own which means that if they are an abuser, i often don’t see it.

i don’t think preferring others initiating is a problem, but i think my particular circumstance isn’t healthy. expressing interest in romance and sex first is a way to communicate interest, attraction, and/or love. if only one party is always the initiator, that seems very unfair and unequal. surely they want to feel desirable as well.

i don’t have any answer for this problem yet, but hopefully acknowledging it puts me closer to making it better.

(also if you’re someone who has a romantic or sexual relationship with me and you’re reading this: yes i want those things with you im just big dumb thank you for being patient with me )