i’ve lately been grappling with the fact that my relationship to sex (and often romance in general) is one of “it is something that is done to me.” i am often not comfortable initiating romance or sex and much prefer when someone else takes the lead. this is distinct from dom/sub or top/bottom or whatever other binary dynamic is often used in place of something more nuanced. i can participate in any of those other roles (dominant, submissive, top, bottom, whatever i hate these terms) but i am not an initiator. i’ve approached only one individual for a romantic relationship first in the past 10 years; every other time i am approached first. i don’t remember the last time i was the one to initiate sex (though i will absolutely indicate my interest when asked).

i don’t like this quality about myself. at first my suspicion was that i was too afraid of rejection to initiate, but i don’t think that’s the case. although i do deal with rejection poorly sometimes, i am often okay letting myself be open to rejected if it means that i can achieve some type of clarity or closure. i think that it’s a response to past abuse and a need to protect myself from being too vulnerable or attached. i also don’t trust myself or my own judgement - but unfortunately this puts me in an unsafe position of trusting the initiator’s judgement over my own which means that if they are an abuser, i often don’t see it.

i don’t think preferring others initiating is a problem, but i think my particular circumstance isn’t healthy. expressing interest in romance and sex first is a way to communicate interest, attraction, and/or love. if only one party is always the initiator, that seems very unfair and unequal. surely they want to feel desirable as well.

i don’t have any answer for this problem yet, but hopefully acknowledging it puts me closer to making it better.

(also if you’re someone who has a romantic or sexual relationship with me and you’re reading this: yes i want those things with you im just big dumb thank you for being patient with me )

yōkai girl that opens a series of fedi polls to help her make ofuda to seal herself with for a month and whatever other effects they vote for

the best part about being a cryptid/yōkai is being able to play out fantasies specific to that identity. being bound by an ofuda and helpless to my captor or possessing another to toy with them and force them to feel/experience things which aren’t real