i am a stupid kinky slut and i’m really autistic so i enjoy having clarity and explicit descriptors for sex and kink. i just think dom/sub and top/bottom frame sex/kink in a wrong enough way to be useful

tangentially i find dom/sub and top/bottom too reductive to be useful outside of heavily curated kink scenes. top/bottom centers penetrative sex (even with modifiers like “power bottom” or whatever else) and dom/sub neglects the often dynamic nature of queer sex.

the most use i find in these descriptors is communicating interest in certain types of sex - uneven power dynamics and penetrative sex, specifically. am i a dom or a sub? yeah, sometimes. it’s not a matter of which one – just that i’m willing to participate (which is why i call myself vers or switch). am i a top or bottom? i dunno i’ll get back to you on that, i have a lot of Feelings about penetrative sex that i need to work out.

i also find the reduction of sex and kink to domming and subbing or topping and bottoming to be boring and unsexy which is maybe the worst part of it all

i’ve lately been grappling with the fact that my relationship to sex (and often romance in general) is one of “it is something that is done to me.” i am often not comfortable initiating romance or sex and much prefer when someone else takes the lead. this is distinct from dom/sub or top/bottom or whatever other binary dynamic is often used in place of something more nuanced. i can participate in any of those other roles (dominant, submissive, top, bottom, whatever i hate these terms) but i am not an initiator. i’ve approached only one individual for a romantic relationship first in the past 10 years; every other time i am approached first. i don’t remember the last time i was the one to initiate sex (though i will absolutely indicate my interest when asked).

i don’t like this quality about myself. at first my suspicion was that i was too afraid of rejection to initiate, but i don’t think that’s the case. although i do deal with rejection poorly sometimes, i am often okay letting myself be open to rejected if it means that i can achieve some type of clarity or closure. i think that it’s a response to past abuse and a need to protect myself from being too vulnerable or attached. i also don’t trust myself or my own judgement - but unfortunately this puts me in an unsafe position of trusting the initiator’s judgement over my own which means that if they are an abuser, i often don’t see it.

i don’t think preferring others initiating is a problem, but i think my particular circumstance isn’t healthy. expressing interest in romance and sex first is a way to communicate interest, attraction, and/or love. if only one party is always the initiator, that seems very unfair and unequal. surely they want to feel desirable as well.

i don’t have any answer for this problem yet, but hopefully acknowledging it puts me closer to making it better.

(also if you’re someone who has a romantic or sexual relationship with me and you’re reading this: yes i want those things with you im just big dumb thank you for being patient with me )