In this post I am going to try and explain some aspects of how I conceptualize #kink.

For this to be effective, I want to also explain some terms I use, and how I use them. A shared dictionary is a fundamental piece of successful communication of nuance.

~~Intimacy is a form of closeness at a deep level. Like two onions touching each other, maybe in a box vs the unpeeled cores of two onions cuddling up together. Maybe not the best analogy. But it's better than imagining fitting both your eyeballs into the same socket (What is wrong with me?)~~

#Intimacy is a form of closeness. To get a better idea of what I mean, here's a post I wrote recently to clarify what I mean when I refer to intimacy.

Intimacy explained in terms of vulnerability: https://lgbtqia.space/@h3mmy/114721556022286295

Sensual is used to describe certain experiences. A quick trip to the pedantry corner says that technically all our experiences are sensual because we're using our senses. When I say sensual, I mean actively engaging the senses with intention. Really savoring the experience. Like standing atop a hill feeling the wind gently stroking your skin, observing how your skin reacts, and the different streaks of tingles and nociception. Really savoring the experience of it. Appreciating the subtle notes of whispers in the wind. Hints of wildflowers mixed with soil.

One can argue that there is a degree of intimacy involved in sensuality, and that makes sense. I'm loosing my guard to appreciate the breeze, I'm adjusting my hearing to attune to the breath of nature, leaving myself open and exposed to nature and trusting that the experience will be worthwhile. It's not sexual, it's not romantic, it's just sensual.

#Erotic is another term, literally based on a god of lust, passion, desire and mischief. The crux of this is desire, but a consuming sort. Like I'm dying of thirst in a desert, happening upon an oasis, stumbling in my frenzy to reach the water, passionately reuniting it with my body, savoring the echoes of sweet relief down to my bone. This is just an illustrative example. I want to make a point to distinguish erotic from the sexual and the sensual as they are all different things. Each can have different degrees of intimacy dynamics. Intimacy is independent, yet a fundamental aspect

My previous example for #sensual is actually a little erotic. I'm immersed in it to a degree of near spiritual fulfillment. The erotic is often sensual, but the sensual is not always erotic. The erotic is often profoundly intimate as well.

Okay, now that I've gone through some of the tricky terms, I am going to start illustrating some concepts around "non-sexual" kink. Thanks to @kasdeya for her really helpful line of questioning that aided me in figuring out what pieces might be good to address first.

Picking one snippet from https://cryptid.cafe/objects/68cbcc28-db9f-4601-a574-bd44358f45e5

> I think the main thing that I’m having trouble understanding is the concept of nonsexual kink. it sounds like this might be a kind of playful exploration of things like physical sensations (like pain) or of being {restrained or made helpless} for its own sake. so I’m guessing that there isn’t necessarily any sexual arousal involved in nonsexual kink. I would be interested to know if the presence of sexual arousal in a kink scene would make it count as sexual (rather than nonsexual) kink for you or if it’s only the presence of sexual activity that would put it into that category. and also (this may be too personal of a question) how you would feel knowing that a kink partner was sexually aroused during a scene with you. I guess I wonder if that might be uncomfortable to know, in the same way that it might be during a non-kink-related activity. I think that would help me understand where the borders are between sexual and nonsexual kink

@kasdeya is spot on with the playful exploration. Kink is a type of play. Humans love to play, it's one of the fundamental ways we learn, bond, and explore. If I'm an arbitrary rope bottom: Maybe I want to be tied up for the sensory experience, and maybe I want to be locked and restrained like the suffocating system we're trapped in, and once the bonds are undone, I can emerge with fewer restraints to my potential in the world. In that sense it takes on a deeper layer of vulnerability and trust. A ritual to help harmonize the mind, body, and rich inner world.

Impact, fire, electro, sensory, needle, knife, wax, latex, etc. These are all types of play. Sexual component not required. What if we just wanted to play some games? Bound hands holding a candle full to the brim. Is a light feather enough to cause a spillage? What about a wartenberg wheel? How about a game of chess? My moves will be executed by my voice controlled drone whose arms are tied to its chest like T-Rex arms. These scenes lack sexual components altogether, but I imagine people would still call it kink, right?

Now, sexual components can be added easily. Feathers can be run over erogenous zones, vibrators too. Who knows what kind of chipset is inserted in the drone? Maybe I left something in the debug port by mistake.

I hope that helps illustrate that there is a distinction between sexual and non-sexual kink. Let's try exploring some #boundaries.

You asked if the presence of sexual arousal changes the category. I would say it depends. If I'm enjoying a casual tabletop game in public with a friend or two, and they get sexually aroused, are we now playing a sexy board game? Arousal also disregards intention and desire which are also important elements. I think perspective also matters. It could be a sexy game of whatever we're playing for the person who is aroused and full of desire. And for clueless me, it's just a fun activity time with pals. If I am also aware of what's going on, then it could change what we label it.

For kink scenes, I try to establish some baseline boundaries. One of my default ones is that I won't do sexual play, but I might be open to renegotiating at a later point. This communicates that I do not have any sexual intention at the time, and I expect that the other parties will not engage me in any sexual play without talking about it first.

This helps segue into answering the next part of the question about what if the other party is sexually aroused. This by itself is not bothersome to me. Kink is intimate. If I'm binding someone in rope, I'm increasing their vulnerability and caretaking it throughout. I'm adjusting my touch based on their preferences and what makes sense to me from an artistic perspective. Soft touch, light touch, deep touch, and most people want more so I'll adjust my techniques to increase the touch while tying and untying. For some, I'll adjust the pull throughs to create little whips to add a zing for contrast. I'm tying things in and around sensitive parts, carefully, mindfully, tenderly, but not sexually, and not even erotically unless we've discussed it beforehand.

Given this intimate context, the closeness, and sensual aspects, it can be arousing for a lot of people. Just like if they're getting a massage. Relaxing into touch and sensation while vulnerable. They're not being weird about it, they're not being creepy, they're maintaining the negotiated boundaries and not dragging any sexual intent or context into the scene. I've had some rope bottoms tell me when an area is _too_ arousing or if they interpret touch in a certain area as sexual, and I highly appreciate that so I can avoid those triggers. Like the inner thigh. For some people it's sexual, for some people it's sensual. If it's sexual for someone and I need to get rope through there I can do it without actually touching with any part of my body, or I can have the bottom do it if practical. Respecting that sexual boundary. This sort of dynamic and communication applies across all types of kink scenes, I'm just using rope as my example because it's usually fresh in my brain.

So if something like a humiliation scene with impact and wax is sexual for someone, this should be part of the negotiations. I don't do sexual scenes by default and this filters out play partners for whom kink is always sexual because if there's no play we can do that is non-sexual then we clearly aren't compatible. Because I'm at events a lot, people who are curious can watch, and they'll better be able to see the dynamic. Sometimes this alone helps them reframe the elements involved and they can interpret kink in separate sexual and non-sexual dimensions. I have a couple of play partners for which this was the route, and they like that the scenes with me helped them broaden their perspective on kink knowing that it doesn't have to be centered around sexual charge.

I'm getting close to the character limit now, which maybe makes this my longest post. Hopefully people are able to read it and engage in some discussions that will help me figure out how to structure my next post.

Please note that this conceptualization is merely one perspective and I'm certainly not an authority of any kind (unless that's what we negotiated)

#Discussion #Thoughts #BDSM #AsexualKink

@h3mmy @kasdeya absolutely to all of that, have had sessions that move in and out of all of the different axis at times, ropes that send me away to a safe space or ground me in the moment as a rigger and bunny, had impact play where there was almost disinterest(but still care) to intensely sexual for one or both parties.

1/2

@h3mmy @kasdeya I guess for me(us as a system) kink, sex, intimacy, and romance are about care and to some extent manipulation (with consent) of mental and emotional states. they each approach that differently and the experiences are distinct in a way I am not sure how to describe in our current sleep deprived state

@h3mmy As thorough and thoughtful as I expected 😊 This is an excellent explanation of the way you approach the subject(s)!
I *especially* love the Shrek take on intimacy 😁 It’s like an onion, it’s got layers 😉

Another aspect comes to mind reading all this, would you say that in non-sexual kink there is always affection?
Or maybe in the way *you* specifically practice it?
The way you express a top’s position is always very affectionate.

@jul

😹 "The Shrek Take" 🧅 "_Its got layers_" I'm glad you liked it. It came out of my sleep deprived brain and I chose to strikethough but leave it in because I was tickled.

Is there always affection in non-sexual kink? That's a really good question.

> Affection: a gentle feeling of fondness or liking.

You're right that I am full of affection for my play partners, friends, peeps, etc. I do regulate my expression of it based on communicated boundaries and preferences.

I imagine there's probably some degree of affection for other people engaged in kinky play, but I do want to be careful to not project my perception onto others. People play for different reasons and I imagine they like it at some level, but their play may not necessarily require interpersonal affection. At least not to whatever threshold we use for calling someone or something affectionate.

So, I would say that in my kink scenes there tends to be some degree of affection because of who I am as a person. This is true even for scenes that involve sort of "harsher" play involving sadism or degradation. At a minimum the aftercare will definitely involve affection.

I want to say this is true more generally, but I don't want to generalize too much. People are diverse and I might be missing some aspects that I simply don't have as much experience with.

@h3mmy It's interesting that people talk a lot about non-sexual kink, but rarely about non-kinky sex
or maybe i just follow a lot of asexual kinksters

I think for a lot of people the sorts of things that are explored through kink are also part of sex, and they haven't thought about it.
(I know that it took me a while to realise that questions of power were necessary for me to enjoy sex)

@Dangerous_beans
I'm glad that you have a set of people that are already able to think of kink without imparting sexual context to it by default. My experience has been quite different though.

I find that breaking down the components helps people understand the boundaries of the concepts. Sure, sex can also be intimate, sensual, and erotic, but intimacy, sensuality and eroticism is considered sexual by default in allonormative society and it's kind of a struggle to clarify these concepts for people who have never thought about them in non-sexual contexts.

@h3mmy yep, it's a struggle to get people to think about it. i blame patriarchy

@Dangerous_beans Oh this is topical! @alice had a post just today about endorsing the hashtag #FuckThePatriarchy and/or #FuckNBurnThePatriarchy

Now we have more to add to the pyre

@h3mmy I'd consider care to require a little bit of affection in any case, wouldn't you?
My understanding is also that aftercare is part and parcel of kink and cannot be bypassed.
Wouldn't that mean that kink (at least for a successful and ethical scene) require affectionate people, to a varying degree?
(That might start to be a bit semantics for its own sake at this point )

@jul
I don't know if I would necessarily equate care and affection. It's possible to care for and about someone/something without having fondness for them. Surgeons do this all the time, for instance.

Aftercare is important in my opinion. It's a fundamental aspect of a dynamic. What this consists of and what the needs are is hashed out during negotiations. There are instances where it can be bypassed once all parties agree to it.

A common scenario is with service tops. I volunteered as a service top for a recent pride themed rope jam. Lots of people new to rope, wanting to experience being tied but not having a rope top to do so. It's like leaving a bunch of puppies and kittens out in the rain, how can I not volunteer?

Anyway, part of the negotiation sheet set by the coordinator noted that aftercare would not be a guarantee, or more specifically, a service top would not be under compulsion to offer aftercare. This could be overridden at the tops discretion during negotiations.

There are a lot of factors at work here, and this is actually a sensible thing. The caveat is that you want responsible scene tops whose judgement is very trustworthy.

I want to start with a breakdown of aftercare, what it is, why it's important, etc. I think that should be my next post.

Instead, I'll start backwards. Most responsible play spaces use RACK or PRICK frameworks.

R.A.C.K = Risk Aware Consensual Kink
P.R.I.C.K = Personal Responsibility, Informed, Consensual Kink

A quick note: the different frameworks choose to emphasize different sets of things but this doesn't mean they exclude other concepts.

Much of kink play involves some level of risk. It's a vulnerable space emotionally and physically. RACK requires all parties to understand the risks involved and consent to accepting those risks as well as everything else that is going into a scene. There's a personal responsibility element to this that is implied but made more explicit in PRICK.

With rope, there are risks of marks, bruises, blood flow issues, nerve compression, emotional stuff, trauma responses, etc. Different scenes will have different amounts of risk involved and all parties should understand the specifics during negotiations. And tailor the scene to the specific risk tolerance involved. Like if rope marks on arms are not acceptable, then you don't tie the arms, etc.

Now, here's how an event like this one goes from my perspective:

It's noisy, lots of people, many inexperienced aspiring rope bottoms that are eager to get rope on them. I have my mask on making it difficult to speak clearly some of the time. I have earplugs in because I have sensitive hearballs. In many ways this is like pickup play except faster because I'm already designated as someone that can be approached instead of someone working up the nerve to do so, which means more people. I have to explain risks, understand their risk tolerance, preferences, boundaries, etc and make it seamless with the tying experience, while simultaneously evaluating their micro reactions, sensory responses, and keeping an eye on anyone I've tied up so far that wanted to keep rope on them while they wander around.

I have a shortlist for these situations, and I will only use minimal risk ties with people I haven't worked with before. Like what I should call them, pronouns, anywhere rope can't go, what is okay to touch and not, any medications that can affect blood flow, nerve response, or balance, etc. I'll usually start with figuring out where they want rope to be and what level of restrictiveness they're looking for, and get more specific as needed. One of my ties was a fisherman's harness, she wanted arms in front, functional touch, and no known issues with rope marks or medical issues that would impact the scene. During the tie, while making conversation, I get to sneak in questions to gauge certain risks. Like if someone does a lot of stuff associated with carpal tunnel risk, I'll adjust the tie so that the band that goes around the inner elbow takes a detour to the waist strap to keep pressure off the nerve. I also dynamically check for preferences by just doing frequent but specific check-ins especially for people I haven't worked with much.

I also make the ties easy to escape in this sort of environment in case someone needs to get rope off fast or they panic, etc. This specific person wanted a challenge escaping. She didn't tell me until after, else I could have used one of the escape experience ties I've been workshopping.

She had a good experience, no sinking into feelings, barely any rope bite, and she had a partner along with that would help with reintegrating based on what I picked up about their dynamic. In this instance I didn't evaluate a specific need for aftercare but I do like to check in with people anyway. She didn't express any aftercare needs, but new rope bottoms seldom know what they might need. Usually I'll also do a check in a few days after but I didn't have any way to do that in this case either.

I'm using this example to illustrate a case where it makes sense to not have specific aftercare.

Now, if I was doing a more involved tie, or someone got rope burn, or maybe skin breakage, or they seemed to have some emotions come up during the tie, that I detected, I would be doing aftercare to some degree. Sometimes things like bruises (both physical and emotional) don't show up for a couple of days, so I have a routine of checking in after a few days as a follow up. The one person this was relevant for was able to quickly find me on FetLife and re-affirmed they didn't have any unmet aftercare needs.

One can argue that just the fact I was checking in was aftercare and that is true, but aftercare is a two-way thing. It's not just for the scene bottoms. That whole spiel of mine is probably more suited for a follow up explanation of aftercare.

I think my point was that aftercare can be bypassed under certain circumstances like an event with service tops that are balancing logistics around tying up a lot of new people in a span of time.

@h3mmy First and foremost, thank you for yet another character limit busting magnum opus!
Second of all, I reserve the right to use "hearballs" profusely from now on!

Your points make perfect sense to me and add a good lot of helpful context.

I think your parallel with healthcare is especially apt, and a source of some dissonance in my comparison between care and affection.
And given your examples, I think this could be explained by a context being (or feeling like) a job.

Healthcare tasks can feel a lot different if you do them as part of your job or for a loved one. They're still the same work, but not a job anymore.
This seems to be somewhat similar with kink, where circumstances can make it feel a bit more impersonal, and so less affectionate.
Even if this is a hobby and you do it gladly, doing an event can feel like a job.
The same person could naturally be a lot more affectionate in scenes that just simply allow for it.

@jul
You get me monologuing!
And please, use "hearballs", people have started using it more around me and it makes me giddy for no discernible reason

Being or feeling like a "job" can be a good analogy for some people. I don't know that it's fully transferrable though. I suppose it is what amount of affection fits within professional boundaries, and that is job specific. I digress, you're right that it changes the context.

I have some difficult memories while I was helping with eldercare but it still holds true that it's a different set of feelings compared to when you're doing it for a job.

I understand where you're coming from with events feeling like a job. That descriptor will hold for a lot of people. For me, the fact that it's work doesn't especially reduce things. I might feel different if I was doing pro work.

It's also possible to have deep affection and still maintain an impersonal scene. One of my routine negotiation questions is "How do you want to feel during the scene". This can be anything. Some people want to feel like a trophy, some want to feel helpless, someone may want to feel powerful, etc. I have scene bottom(s) that like to feel "a bit disregarded", so the impersonal affect is baked into the scene, even though I have a lot of affection for them.

Having affection and limiting its expression is different than having little affection and little expression. I typically won't work with people in that second category, but I might if it was a professional thing. I hope that makes sense, I know I'm probably a bit scattered.

Also, to avoid accidentally messaging how events are, the pride rope event was a different setting than something like one of the private play parties I also attend. Event like vibe, and occasionally involves pickup play, but I'm often working with a base set of people I already know and some potential new ones. And aftercare is part of it as well, but again it's different per person. And some get enough attention during the tie that they don't feel the emotional let down that can happen after an intimate scene. For context, sometimes I'll have a "collection" of tied up people in a cuddle puddle while I either work on someone else while keeping an eye on them or doing a different type of combo scene. Often it's sensory additions. Most people don't want to feel discarded after a scene even if being discarded is their kink. That goes for tops too, just to re-emphasize that aftercare is not one-way.

@h3mmy I see, this is another fine example of a true expert's answer to a seemingly simple and clear cut question: "it depends"
There's no *one definitive* anything to any aspect of kink in the end.
And I also think we've reach the end of the usefulness of 1:1 analogies... Especially since there can be an "acting" aspect to kink that obfuscates the feelings and preferences of the "actor" behind the apparence and behavior of the "character"

@jul 💯 You nailed it in my opinion! I really appreciate your active questions and discussions. It gives me an opportunity to reflect on some angles I may not have actively thought about as much.

Bonus: The "Shrek Take" Translation
Much like an onion, the dynamic inside the scene boundaries and outside the scene boundaries can be different, and the entities have the internal vs expressed layers which are like those onion cores.

🧅🧅🧅🧅🧅

@h3mmy Hi, complete newb here, sorry if this is a dumb question: would you consider ASMR (whether audible or visual) to fall under the kink umbrella? It tends to be very intimate (and intentionally arousing in a sensory way) but also often very distinctly *not* sexual (though some ASMRs incorporate that, too). I have no prior touchstones in this space but I want to try to understand and relate it to something I'm familiar with!

@liese
That is a great question! I'm not one to gatekeep labels, but I would certainly classify it as being in the kink space as a form of sensory play.

It's something I've considered folding into my 1-1 scenes. Events are too noisy for it usually.

@h3mmy this was such an interesting read, and I’m so glad that I was able to help you with this post! I think this clears up all of my confusion beautifully, and I especially loved the examples. I think I can clearly picture what “nonsexual kink as play” means now

your distinction between erotic and sensual was very interesting and helpful too. as someone who exclusively engages in sexual kink (at least for now. this post has me fairly interested in nonsexual kink now, which is a whole world of experiences that I couldn’t even conceptualize until this post) I think these two terms are fantastic to have in my vocabulary just so that I can label aspects of my experiences and conceptualize them in a more granular way. for example I really like to play with desire: putting myself in a headspace where my entire being is focused on how much I want something - whatever that thing might be - so that I can have an intensely erotic thrill from finally getting it

also I wanted to ask: you ended this post by mentioning another one that you have planned. have you posted that yet? if so I would love the link (though it will probably still take me a really long time to reply - sorry about that 😓) and if not I would love if you could @ me once it’s done

@kasdeya

I'm really glad that it helped clarify things. And I'm grateful for your excellent questions.

One time I was in a rope jam that had a pre--jam roundtable about connective rope. Someone was going through the different types of touch. While I had already kept erotic, sensual, and sexual separate in my head, it was one of the first times I heard other people also defining them as separate. My internal explanation was that they are different colors and different sets of textures in my "feelings brain" and that's difficult to translate. It was very validating and helped give me language to express _why_ they're distinct. I do highly recommend experimenting with different types of non-sexual play. I'd love to hear how it goes from your perspective too, if/when it does and your willing to share 🫶🏽

I don't think I have posted a follow up yet unless this counts: https://lgbtqia.space/@h3mmy/114750550076151994

I hope to write more things soon. Life things have been keeping me busy this week. I can definitely @ you then too. Please feel free to take whatever time you want to respond. I don't expect fast responses with most things from anyone.