it frustrates and upsets me that the need to feel valuable to capitalism poisons so much, but especially relationships.

we should celebrate the interests, progress, and excellence of our loved ones but instead, many feel threatened because of the inherent competitive nature in which we’re steeped. and often these feelings can’t be openly addressed despite the fact that it’s a systemic problem rather than an individual problem. too often i’ve heard expressions of these feelings be met with accusations of jealousy and the only remedy is to get good or whatever. it’s made much worse and much more confusing when so often these feelings are directed to those who are close to us. what are we supposed to say: “stop being so hot and good at stuff, it makes me feel worthless?”

even more specifically, it reminds me of the relationship between passing and feeling threatened by other trans individuals.

i hate the idea of living competitively. i like competition but competition only works when it happens in (mostly) a vacuum where the rest of the participants’ lives are cooperative – otherwise, it’s just reinforcing and celebrating the same shitty behavior that makes us miserable in the first place.

i’m lucky that i don’t struggle with this as much as some others, maybe because i was deeply competitive and easily threatened when i was younger and spent a lot of time working on it. it does feel really nice to see someone i love doing well at what they enjoy. but i sympathize, too, when someone feels worthless and everything they see feels like reinforcement of how worthless they feel.