Is it just me, or is it annoying when people try to sell polyamory in terms of multiple partners being there to fill the gaps of deficiency in one partner?

I do think that maybe, subconsciously, I might be drawn to something I feel like I'm missing.

But I don't think I go out actively looking for those things.

I just date people I like that feel good to be with until I'm saturated 🤷‍♀️.

It just feels like the whole idea multiple partners because, "one person can't fulfill all your needs and wants" is something that comes from monogamy, and people that think that their partner cheats or opens up the relationship because, "I'm not enough for them."

@salad_bar_breath I don't do it *for* that either. It's not how I feel. I guess it's more of a retroactive theorising explanation.

But I like the implications from the other side: it takes the *pressure* off to be everything for someone. My girlfriends don't just have multiple partners - some of them, we love *together* and I bond with my Metas over that love. And it has brought us through times where maybe one person couldn't have carried it all.

I had a monogamous person summarise it: "For me [the monogamous person] it feels like me and my husband against the world, whereas you seem to feel like a loving community." (I don't have the exact wording anymore) And I think both are beautiful.

@scatty_hannah I want to say that I understand if someone who came from codependent relationships is relieved by the lack of pressure to be someone's "everything", but I don't know if polyamory is a fix for that ime?

I think codependency and relying on one person, and the pressures thereof can and do exist frequently in polyamory. Even in well practiced relationship anarchy because we have to exist in systems of oppression.

But, maybe it's better than monogamy?

@salad_bar_breath Polyamory very likely is not a fix per se. In the scenario I described it's also a friend group.

It's the multiple deep bonds, not the partners being romantic/sexual. You could have that with monogamy, too - just many people don't.

I think my main reason for polyamory is probably that I *do* love multiple people deeply and that also romance and friendship are a spectrum for me - polyamory allows me to not put labels on it from the start. I can negotiate all relationships (platonic, friendly, romantic, sexual) freely.

People are just very great and cuddleable and I don't want arbitrary rules for me or my partners.

I don't know whether it needs much reasoning - I feel that way, it feels good for me and the others, so 🤷‍♀️

@salad_bar_breath "selling polyamory" doesn't make sense to me anyways. It shouldn't be a fix for anything except for people who are polyam and didn't know that option existed for them.

I think monogamous people can learn from the relationship advice for polyam people and vice versa. Getting the other perspective can make you rethink *how* you live your respective relationships and where your insecurities lie, what you take as set in stone while it might not be, etc.

But ultimately none is better. Both are better for the people for whom they are a better fix.

Patriarchy and the associated patterns that influence even queer relationships are the (broader) problem (among others).

@salad_bar_breath I guess we just sometimes love to point out flaws in monogamy because people like to dunk on polyamory - it's more a showing of "see, I can do that, too".

@salad_bar_breath i really don’t like this explanation for polyamory either. it feels to center a transactional way of thinking for relationships that makes me uncomfortable. i could be wrong, but it framing partners by their utility feels like it has two gross implications:

• the goal is for partners to fulfill my needs and if my current relationships aren’t effectively fixing me, then i need more
• partners are judged by their utility to me

i really dont like the idea of using relationships to “fix” people; it doesn’t work and it’s extremely gross to the person who is being used to fix them. some people can offer a lot of things: financial and emotional stability, excitement, etc but those things can and will change (and basing a relationship on what they offer you is selfish and horrible – when is it your turn to offer something?)

basing relationships and partners on utility also feels hierarchical to me, as if partners which offer more utility are worth more love or are more important. just because a partner can offer me housing and financial stability doesnt mean i’ll love them more than one that has no money to offer. sure it’s nice to have that stability, but what if they lose it? im not going to stop loving them

@rowan *imitates mic drop*

Pssssh