something i think a lot about is community, social and individual needs, and the conditioning against community in the united states.

mutual aid is a fascinating case study to me. online i’ve seen it pejoratively referred to as “ebegging” – even by people who do it. outside of the gross insulting version of this to discourage others from asking for help, i assume this is some type of admission of guilt or shame associated with engaging in the act and it makes me very sad we can reach a point like this, but it also makes a lot of sense to me. americans tend to be very proud of their individual achievements and aren’t very good at recognizing their involvement in groups or communities. many often suffer in silence because they feel as if their needs are too insignificant, or perhaps even that they are not in need enough to ask for help. worse yet is when someone believes they’re not worth helping.

however, when i talk to others about how would want to help others, they’re very passionate about all the ways they’d love to do it. paying off debts in creative ways, offering highly advanced and unique skills that are hard to find. they really want to show value in a way that is nuanced, personalized, and lasting. it’s very sweet and endearing but also really interesting – both to hear the contrast of accepting help versus providing it but also how grandiose it can be. i suspect many of them would not accept the help they would want to offer to others. why?

aside from the variety of personal reasons that someone could have which can’t be generalized in a nice, neat, analytically useful way, i suspect that much of it comes from wanting to be valued by others. they want to be uniquely desirable and helpful to those around them. i can’t be certain but it’s the best explanation i can come up with. one of the reasons i think this is because of our tendency to compare ourselves on the global stage. it’s not satisfying to be a big fish in a small pond but also because most of our exposure to our specialization and interests leads us to discover the most prolific identities and personalities associated with that thing. the most commercially successful artists, computer scientists, engineers, and so on; the absolutely most recognized and disproportionately advantaged individuals become our baseline for comparison. if we can’t be as good as them, how can we ever hope to be useful to our in-group?

with all of that in mind, i can’t help but feel that there’s an incredible amount of pressure to be highly proficient at something and expect nothing in return. almost like a real life hero. we become so good at something that we can solve problems for others in a way that is completely unique to our skillset. i think that’s a really cool thing and leads to a lot of amazing innovation, but i think it’s not so useful for framing mutual aid.

most people i know who desperately need mutual aid don’t need a hero. they need someone to help with the dishes, or look after their pet while they’re at work, or maybe even just be around to keep them company to feel like they’re worth it. sure, it’d be nice to meet batman or superman who could instantly pay off our mortgage or finish the home repairs in 0.5 seconds, but i think we equally need someone who is just willing to do the boring, mundane stuff too. groceries happen every week or so, cleaning happens.. well, seemingly constantly. it’s a lot. and i think that’s what community and mutual aid looks like. it’s doing what’s needed, and we need a lot of really boring regular stuff.

i’m of the belief that nearly everyone wants to be useful and valuable to others. they want to do good by others and improve their lives. however, thanks to the rugged individualism of the united states, it’s very hard to visualize what that would look like.

i think it looks like hanging out and playing games and showing one another we like being around each other. it’s asking if movie night is still on this saturday and checking in on each other when we haven’t heard from someone in a while. it’s offering to handle dinner, or offering to come over to do dishes when we know that person is struggling. it’s a lot more than money. i think it’s compassion and love. it’s nice to be a hero, but much better to be a friend

i’m also a hypocrite. i do all the things i say are bad in these posts and don’t do enough of the good. i do that because i’m scared that i’m wrong and that others really don’t care about me like i care about them. i’m afraid that they really are okay without me and that i’m not valuable to them.

i get too scared to show up for movie night. i get lonely and don’t ask for help. i don’t check in because i worry that their More Important Friends already have it handled and i’d just be an annoyance. am i really as close to this person as i think i am, or am i just overstepping my boundaries?

i’m absolutely guilty of all of these things, but i want to do better