“how hard are you right now?”

❌ imprecise
❌ unscientific
❌ vague

“hold still while I measure you on the Mohs scale”

✅ an objective 10-point scale
✅ highly scientific; based on simple experiments
✅ materials science is sexy
✅ you get to scratch someone’s cock with a piece of calcite

❌ “how wet are you right now?”

✅ “don’t move. I’m going to measure your coefficient of friction”