when I was younger I was filled with contempt and bitterness for art and artists. my exposure to “high art” was entirely through smug narcissistic assholes who used art as a way to feel superior to others

so I imagined artists being that way too. any time I was confused or hurt by a piece of art, I imagined the artist sneering at me and insinuating that I’m uncultured and stupid - just like my asshole art appreciation teachers did

so I decided that - even though I had a lot of creative impulses - I would never make art. I didn’t want to be another one of those smug pretentious assholes. sometimes I wrote short stories, but that wasn’t art. sometimes I programmatically made glitchy images, but that wasn’t art. I wasn’t some fucking asshole artist or anything. what I was doing was different, somehow

but then I met actual artists and saw that they were shy nerdy beings who were very unfairly critical of their own work. they were the exact opposite of pretentious or narcissistic. they were just powerfully driven to create, in spite of their own self-consciousness

sometimes they make art that confuses me, but it’s not confusing on purpose. they aren’t laying a trap so they can sneer at anyone who admits they don’t understand. it’s just because they want to express themselves on their own terms, even if it ends up being confusing or ambiguous. and I completely respect that

so now my whole perception of art is shifting. the purpose of art isn’t to be deliberately cryptic and painful in an attempt to assert superiority. asshole non-artists have co-opted art to be about that, but that’s not what it is. it’s just nerds making cool things and hoping that others like them, while inwardly thinking that what they make is shit (even though it’s not)

not only that, but maybe I do want to make art now. now that I understand what it actually is

also my art teachers can go to hell